This morning (yesterday really) we woke up before we went to sleep in order to have time to pack our stuff and check out. Breakfast was as consistent as the previous days, almost too consistent. 

We were the first team to arrive at the ground after the other three. Our tired bodies and tired minds meant we opted for a lightweight warmup of tweeting and making coffee. If one thing remained constant this week in a world that is ever changing it was that Chris lost tosses. True to form he lost again but the opposition actually wanted to do what we also wanted to do so we were all chuffed to be batting first. Except for Chris, he wanted to serve first.

New balls please.

The match began after a big turn of the wheel fortune which involved putting professional scorer and head of social media, Musa Umar, into bat. After receiving chat from the "whay-aye" lads from the land of Alan Shearer and Santiago Munez (Newcastle) pronounced (noo-cassul), Musa turned around and said "none of us even like cricket anyway". 

Anyway, after around 10 overs (60 balls) Wycombe were 44-0, ish. Then things began to become a little cumbersome. 

Teddy got out to good ball and threw away his chance to score more runs than he currently had. Then Fred came into bat and hit a couple of nice approach shots into the outfield with a sand-wedge. Following these shots for 1 or 2 he was completely knackered and decided to hit a six so he could catch his breath. Upon realising the issue was actually Musa he decided to run him out. 

This fall of wickets continued at a fairly constant rate and seemingly independent of other events as people did not adjust their attitudes. A poisson distribution was used to predict when the final wicket would fall and it was almost entirely incorrect. We were all out for 130. 

I need not mention the tea as I'm sure you've gathered how Superb they have been this week. Thank you Colchester. 

Noocastle into bat. They ticked along smoothly for the first 15 overs and were on about 70 when Sammy Parry caught a stunning catch towards the boundary off of Harry Cameron. He then had a part to play in the next two wickets as he caught their captain slipping when he bowled him and then trapped another LBW. Good work Parry. 

However, this late wicket flurry was not quite sufficient to fracture Newcastle's momentum and they preceded to win by 7 wickets. Well done for winning the festival, they were unbeaten and turned up when it counted. After Bez said "it's very hard to lose this festival when you win all 5 games, it's only happened once".

Following the thank yous and leg-byes at the presentation we made a swift one to the minibus to settle in for the trip home. Spurred on by some good AUX input from Thomas and Fred we beat Bez back to school. 

All in all it was an absolutely fantastic week that was enjoyed thoroughly. Thank you to Mr Berryman for coaching us this season and taking us to festival for the week. Also thank you the eternal and quite unique David Guthrie for spending his pen-ultimate week at RGS with us and also for your sustained contribution to RGS and its sport over your tenure. The school will be noticeably emptier, quieter and lighter without you. 

All to play for. Day 4

Upon awakening the customary weather check occurred and Chris began calculating his algorithms for whether to have coffee or tea at breakfast. After a swift light morning meal of sausages, bacon, boiled eggs, fried eggs, baked beans, poached beans and scrambled beans we were more than ready to stay energised until drinks.

Let us go then you and I to Castle Park.

Upon reaching the ground the team inspected the pitch and decided it was definitely a batting wicket. We warmed up under surprisingly humid and bright conditions which defied all weather predictions. Unsurprisingly Chris lost the toss as he decided to boycott it in a protest against the apparent randomness and arbitrariness of letting such a finely balanced match be defined by an event that had no reliance on previous acts in space and time.

Unfortunately Chris sustained his changing room sit-in into the first over and had to be coaxed out by the hydration specialists. Luckily the batsmen hit all of the first over for boundaries so in hindsight Chris was not needed.

I jest. However, in all seriousness we conceded more boundaries in the first 11 overs than we had combined in the first 3 matches. We collectively blamed the pitch. Luckily Kunaal "slammer" Kankate secured the first wicket in the 12th over after a sublime piece of fielding by the head of social media, Musa Umar.

Our very own blogger came on in the 13th over to get a taste of action on the front line in order to add credibility to the blog although he managed to split the web in his right-hand which caused his shirt and trousers to be drenched in blood. Valiantly and selflessly he saw out the over then left the field of play so that he could superfluously be taken to A+E to have some glue squeezed into his hand. Thanks for coming.

Unfortunately during this period the Guildford opener and No 3 managed to build a sustained partnership that threatened Wycombe's chances in the match.

In A+E people come and go, watching repeats of the Ellen show.

Meanwhile at the cricket Guildford continued to score runs.

At Wimbledon Venus Williams was seeing her chances of winning vanish.

After this period of monotony there was finally a breakthrough: Mr Berryman had found the haribos and Freddie "snorlax" Pestana had got the wickets of the two batsman on 95 and 98 respectively. One was a great ball that was snicked behind and the other was completely below average.
After some late innings swinging Guildford ended up on 299. Slightly below average on a good pitch that would have been classed as an A-road in the general relativity of cricket pitch metaphors.

Tea tea tea. With a new day of the week and new ground came a new tea. I have to say the food was below the standard experienced at the main school pitches. Obviously it was edible, nutritional and palatable however it did lack the decadence and multifariousness of the previous teas. Obviously if one adored jacket potatoes, tuna, tomatoes and cheese then they were in a very satisfactory position however this is a somewhat niche group. The pudding was carefully chosen as it utilised seasonal fruits in the culmination of their annual potential.

Due to the batting order being decided by a spinner stolen from a twister game, nobody could relax and enjoy coffee, tea and biscuits following lunch. This randomness was typified by the fact Alfie went in at three.

Following a nondescript first 35,000 overs Teddy and Kunaal had built a solid partnership of over 150 and were looking threatening. However, whilst on 81 Teddy had been distracted by the imminent drinks break and whilst thinking of water contained within plastic cylinders decided to bottle his ton.

I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottom of my whites rolled.

Kunaal "ice-cool" "mr composure" Kankate suffered no such distractions and managed to achieve a total of 102 and thus score the highest senior score of the season. A special mention must go out to Kunaal who has batted with professionalism and consistency throughout his RGS career and is only finally receiving official recognition. Well done mate, you're class.

Unfortunately with a required run rate of 65 off the last over we could not quite seal the victory. Well done and thank you to Guildford for playing a quality game of cricket but we hope you lose tomorrow so we can win the festival. I'm sure you'll understand.
Bring on tomorrow, the grand finale.

The enduring spell. Day 3.

I would like to begin by apologising to Karin for the delay in today's blog. 

Skipping the formalities I'll go straight into today's warm-up which occurred under the clear and continuous blue-skies of the ephemeral British summer. Mr "Bez" Berryman found a nerf ball under his protein shake and so we decided to have a game of ultimate nerf. Musa Umar made his first contribution of the festival by "leaping like a stone-fish" to drop the ball in the score-zone and lead to his team losing 10-3, it was like a cricket score!

Once again skipper Chris decided to chose "shoulders" in the coin toss and inevitably lost. RGS into the field to bowl it at the Colcestrians. In the very first over the opener decided to run a dubious single to Sam "bullet arm" Parry who nailed a throw at the stumps from close to 300 yards away to run him out. After 11 overs the Colchester boys were 24-2 and then began to build a partnership. The batters continued diligently and stubbornly until Matt "Pepe" Haumann came back into the attack to break the bails like he breaks girls' hearts. Parry then dislodged the other batman in the subsequent over and then the Colchester partnerships lasted as long as Russell Brand and Katy Perry. 

Meanwhile the collapse of wickets was causing significant issues for Aidan in the scoring booth, Bez was getting the hydration specialists to film videos of JD bowling "for PE coursework", and the ultras, consisting of Mr: Whelan, Pestana, Kaye and Haumann, were causing a raucous. As a result of all this Freddie Pestana was spurred on by the chants of "please don't take me home" and preceded to take 3 wickets. All in all Colchester were bowled out for 139, by no means a straightforward chase. 

The middle meal of the day consisted of mostly the same items however today vegetable samosas and coronation chicken made their debut performances. The samosas were palatable but the coronation chicken received the man of the meal performance for its overall tenderness and balance. 

The RGS innings began once again with Tred attempting to see off the total in 20 overs. Fred of Tred scored 18 off 10 and then got caught after trying to hit a shot before the bowler had even begun his run-up. Ted then scored an elegant 33 but got caught at mid-wicket after bottling a proper shot. Chris the captain at least didn't get a duck but once again forgot that there were three stumps situated behind him and left the ball to hit them. 

The drama really began in the 15th over when the Colchester opener began bowling his 8th over in a row, a spell length more illegal than Lionel Messi's bank statement. In this over the bowler of course got Kunaal trapped in a very close LBW shout. Alfie King ran onto the pitch in his undergarments to protest. But with greatly unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances comes great responsibility and who better than Matt "Kenny" Haumann to step up and fulfil the role. He batted maturely and removed the oppositions momentum by building a partnership of 30 with Ben Ward. 

With great relief Wycombe saw out the game to win by 4 wickets with @alfdog scoring the winning runs and Ben Ward once again carrying his innings through. 

Kind regards to Colchester for the intense match and great facilities and tea, enjoy your remaining matches. 

He who shall not be named. Day 2

There's something about RGS High Wycombe and day 2 of the cricket festival. The weather this morning was somewhat more ominous and featured grey matter that threatened precipitation.
The warm-up was once again fluid, 6 of the squad attempted to play football against another 6 playing frisbee whilst Chris put his ear to the pitch to see what it was saying. The other team lost the toss so we won by default and being a gentleman Chris offered to bowl first and had his offer accepted.
Whites on, hats on, heads on. Once again Mathew "Chinese" Haumann and Alfie King (of swing) opened up the bowling. Alfie secured the first wicket in the first over with not the first ball. Matt Haumann subsequently bowled the best spell of his amateur schoolboy career and finished figures of 3-18 off of 10 overs. After 25 overs Lancaster were 44-5, in an innings that featured more leaves than Kew Gardens and fewer boundaries than the Schengen area.
With continued good bowling from Freddie "noodles" Pestana and Sam Paz, Lancaster were on 66-7 after 31. Then came the magic. He who should not be named (as a result of data protection rules as stipulated in article 12, line 4 of the RGS data protection act of July 2016) bowled in a manner that was representative of Damien Hirst creating pop-art. In 10 overs he/she bowled 54 dot balls and went for a total of 9 runs. The newly named "chancellor" ran the inning's economy better than George Osbourne could dream of.
All in all the team bowled out Lancaster for a total of 113. Good effort gents.
Much like the day before the lunch was superb. The chicken was tender and the salad was balanced, the crab sticks as an amuse-bouche were quite scrumptious. Following the main event there was the option for bread, cheese and fruit to complete the innings. A cup of coffee and some of yesterday's pick-and-mix meant we were well and truly ready to sit and watch the top-order do some batting.
It would turn out we wouldn't watch too long.
Fred got bowled in the second over and the skip got out 3 balls later caught behind. Jack Whelan steadied the ship scoring 5 off 15 but then it was up to Wardy and Ted to see the game out as the rest of the team were still mid-digestion. Luckily that is exactly what they did and after 31 overs Wycombe had completed the 7-wicket win.
Well done to Wardy for protecting his average by not being (legitimately) out so far this festival. The final mention must go to Ted who scored a superb and professional 79 NO. After the game Mr Berryman said "it's easiest to win festival when you win all 5 games".
Thank you to RGS Lancaster for a good competitive edge to your chat and an enjoyable game of cricket.
For dinner this evening the squad decided to venture to the local "Bungalow Diner" to see what would happen. We pondered the apparent superfluousness of specifying the bungalow nature of the diner's design as aren't all diner's one storey? Then again diner's are rarer than Fred's catches in Colchester so we had little to compare. The food was almost rivalled by the quality of the culture that featured on the TV. All in all the food was about as appetising as an episode of Love Island.
As the sun sets on another day in paradise we ponder the various permutations of the week and settle in for another night of reading the dictionary and completing Sudokus.


Thomas Devoy

RGS Festival Day 1

Day 2 began in glorious style with weather typical of a summer anticyclone, weather we hadn't experienced since Sri Lanka. Breakfast was once again a punctual affair with our team being able to eat all the various fruits of the buffet: apples and oranges.
Arriving at the ground we felt fresh and ready. Our day was to get considerably better when aspiring England legend, you may have heard of him, Jack Whelan, decided to join the squad fresh off the plane from Cologne at a beer festival. Skipper Chris looked at the pitch and decided to "do the opposite of what they were doing". Scrupulous.
Finally, something to write about- kick off.
Alfie King began clinically by bowling 15 dot balls in a row whilst Matt decided to take matters into his own hands and get a wicket. The next 3 wickets then fell in quick succession leaving Worcester (pronounced wouhster) with their tails up at 40-4.
Ball, shot, ball, shot... The endless continuum. This left time for some pondering and tweeting on the sidelines. (Follow @rgshwsport for amusing and up to date tweets before they're deleted.) We also got to pick the brains of the professional RGS Worcester scorer, a hero amongst 12th men. His ability to score was unparalleled and for his services he charged £20 a game. This meant he only paid £320 to be in education this week.
Ah yes, the cricket. After continued disciplined and clinical fielding Worcester were at 150-5 with about 10 remaining. Benjamin Ward fielded like a cat on adderall whilst Kunaal and Sammy Parry bowled tightly. At the culmination of the innings the Worcester boys were on 196 setting a target of 197 to win.
Lunch was noteworthy. Tandoori chicken, barbecued ham and beef, potato salad, regular salad, pasta salad, cheese, salad and more salad.
Following feeding time Fred and Ted, or Tred, as nobody likes to call them, opened up the batting. Somebody had misinformed Fred that we were only allowed to bat 20 overs and he decided to score 24 in his first 11 balls. He then managed to pick out the only fielder outside the circle for catching practise. Subsequently Ted crushed a ball for 6 and also had his balls crushed when mis-timing a very, very, accurate delivery. Chris batted smoothly, after all this is his format, but fell to a brilliant ball through the gate and suffered the ridicule of the festival twitter. It was after these departures that Jack Whelan and Ben Ward decided to arrive at the crease- and not leave. Jack got a superb 86 that featured a variety of shots, he'd been up at 5am practising. Wardy also scored a great 54 that featured some raw shots from his new bat. Needless to say the win was secured.
Victory was almost as sweet as the delicious and balanced biscotti that Harry Cameron pilfered from the adults' tea.
When interviewed after the game Mr Berryman said "we have a great squad and it's getting younger every year". Mood in the camp was high and sustained throughout our Mexican dinner, we donned sombreros and Jack sipped a, virgin, mojito as his MOTM reward.
Special thanks to RGS Worcester for facilitating a competitive and enjoyable game of cricket, good luck for the rest of the week, but not too much luck.

Devoy.

2pm, 3rd of July, the year of our Lord, 2016.
The Festival dream materialised into reality as 12 eager cricketers, 1 coach and Harry Cameron departed for Colchester. The tour began rather innocuously with the squad relatively short of energy. The eternally sunglassed Mr Berryman cruised us to the Marks Tey hotel in record time, 2 hours before any of the other RGSs. The Marks Tey hotel (pronounced Marx Tay) is a comfortable and functional hotel situated within walking distance of the local A-road. The facilities include: a swimming pool, a gym and a trouser press in every room.
We continued in our vain of zealous punctuality by arriving at RGS Colchester's sports ground 45 minutes before the "speech" began. We also looked through the Festival programme to find that our team didn't feature a designated scorer, only copious medium paced bowlers.
To say dinner was excellent would be an understatement. Mr Berryman's approach with dinner can only be seen as an attempt to make selection for tomorrow easier by seeing who would contract food poisoning. Matt Haumann was seriously impressed however by the computerised drinks machine that could even distribute strawberry lemonade.
Anyhow the day was drawing to close as we returned to the hotel. Valiant Iceland's dream was sadly dematerialising and Fred was trouser pressing his whites. Bring on tomorrow, it's a massive day for the team as the matches begin and the eternal Jack Whelan arrives.

Devoy.